Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
