You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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