my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
