dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
