Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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