i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
