Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
