You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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