My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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