onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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