Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
