im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
