so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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