Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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