I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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