My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
