Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
