All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
