my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
