she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
