Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
