Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
