If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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