I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
