People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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