Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
