Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
