Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
