I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
