The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
