yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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