with your own penis?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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