life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
