Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
