I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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