Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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