Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
