There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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