I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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