i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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