Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
In other news, I just burned my penis
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
