You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
