I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
