I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
