dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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