I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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