she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
