is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
