i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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