My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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